


Like x New

by malignantmandrake



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-07 21:58:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4279404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malignantmandrake/pseuds/malignantmandrake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So many times that Killua wished he could be like Gon, and the one time he didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like x New

"Make him like new again, make him okay."

"Please, let him be okay."

Who knew that so few words could have such a profound impact. I wasn't sure what kind of power Alluka drew on, I wasn't sure I really wanted to know. Used for good, the best good I could think of, to bring this light back into the world...

It was enough to put a fearful tremble into the earth when used for good. I didn't think about what it could do if it was used for anything else.

The impact it had was kinda weird; it wrung my heart like a rag, while at the same time... it was like nothing. Nobody lifted a finger.

Nanika simply complied. Simple. After all the trouble that had happened, after all the effort expended to get to that moment, it was so simple. I made a request, and Nanika allowed it.

Was it wrong, to fool myself into thinking it would be that simple?

Was it wrong to let myself think that everything was okay when I heard Gon's voice, when I pulled him into my arms and squeezed him so hard that he might break all over again?

I wasn't gentle, but I couldn't help it- he was like new again. He wasn't hurt, there wasn't a scratch on him. He was in tip-top shape; I could feel it. The way he tensed up when I squeezed to protect himself, his muscles were strong, enough to put up against mine.

My fingers dug into his shirt. The action wasn't returned.

"Is that all, Killua?"

'Is that all?'

Like Nanika had brought me a drink, or opened the door for me. Like it was casual. I loved Alluka, Nanika, whoever, in all their selves, but sometimes the things they did, what they were capable of, reminded me very well of my place in the universe.

Not that it was a bad place- if I was just a small cog, as long as I had my other part with me, working and ticking, it was as okay a place as any.

I choked out a reply to Nanika. I said that it was enough- more than enough.

"Killua?"

Gon's voice nearly made me choke.

I unburied myself from him. I insulted him, for scaring me like that. He laughed, but it was hesitant. Embarrassed. Did he even realize what a terrifying state he'd put himself in? Probably not- definitely not, actually, I was sure of it.

Gon didn't think about things like that. He'd used the only means he'd had to reach the end he'd wanted; he didn't think about the side effects.

I wasn't like that. I had never been like that, I thought. I thought too much.

I never thought I'd understand what it felt like, I was just going to put up with it for the rest of my life. Happily put up with it.

Stupid me, I guess now I know why my family was always so hell bent on screwing my emotions over and leaving them to die in a gutter.

Emotions messed with you. They clouded your sight. Even with Gon right in front of me, I couldn't see. All I could see was how new he was; I couldn't see how really new he was. It didn't make sense to me either until it made too much sense.

I could see the fresh skin, I could see the light reflected in his eyes, almost coming from within them. It wasn't just sight, either; I felt his skin, soft and unblemished. I turned red at the thought. I'd memorized how his skin felt? I tried to scrub the color from my face with my forearm.

I felt nervous about him standing, but he was springy as ever, moreso if it were possible. He stretched his limber joints, hopped around, got his blood flowing. He asked how long he'd been in a hospital bed, and I told him too long. Gon didn't really seem like he knew how to react to the answer, it didn't look like it satisfied him. After rubbing the back of his head and pushing out another weak laugh, he sighed.

He looked out of place.

It wasn't that he looked so bright in such a dark place, nor that he seemed so healthy to have been moments ago attached to way more medical equipment than I had been comfortable with him needing, though that was all true.

He looked more like he didn't understand what to do with himself, or what to do with his body.

I asked him what was wrong. He wouldn't answer me, just said that I didn't need to worry about it.

I pushed for an answer, but just like he never did, the boy never gave in.

I guess that was the first thing I noticed. The way I was told not to worry about it. More specifically, he'd told me, 'Killua, it's okay, it's nothing!'

'Killua.' The way he said my name. The way he whined when prodded for answers.

'Kiiilluaaaaa.'

'Killua.'

'Kiiilluaaaaa.'

They were different things. 'Killua', from Gon's lips, felt wrong. It was short and brief, emotionally unattached.

Gon wouldn't speak about things until he wanted to. I almost wish he'd never wanted to. It was selfish for me to want him to stay silent, but I was barely even a teenager. I was allowed to be selfish, right?

I was allowed to wish that it wasn't my fault that this had happened, right?

But it was my wish. My wish had come true, and I hated it.

I hated hearing Gon admit that he couldn't remember anything. A single thing. It broke me to hear that Gon couldn't remember my name, to hear that the sterile 'Killua' he gave was nothing but a copy of Nanika's speaking to me.

He'd crossed his fingers and hoped to get my name right.

That was all.

Even admitting to pretending that he'd knew who I was because I knew him. He gave way to my happiness; he had no idea who I was, and he still didn't want to see me hurt.

He was too nice.

Too nice, for such an awful, awful world.

He really was like new. Not a callus on his hands, and not a single scar on his heart.

And one more for mine.


End file.
